I
EYLEMS\u0130Z<\/p>\n\n\n\n
O \u015fimdi gider, gitmenin ona en yak\u0131\u015fan haliyle… Onun fiili gitmektir, ben kalakal\u0131r\u0131m. Ben, duru\u015flar\u0131n -son duru\u015flar\u0131n-, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131n -son bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131n- foto\u011fraf\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7eker, bir \u00f6mr\u00fcn can al\u0131c\u0131 bir ayr\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 c\u0131mb\u0131zla \u00e7eker, b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr, b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr, b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr\u00fcm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben \u00f6yle kalakalmalar\u0131n adam\u0131y\u0131md\u0131r; benim fiilim kalmakt\u0131r, kalakalmakt\u0131r, bakakalmakt\u0131r.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben b\u00f6ylesine \u00e7alakalem kal\u0131r\u0131m, o \u00f6ylesine harc\u0131\u00e2lem gider.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
O \u015fimdi gider… Ben kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m gibi kalamam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Benim kal\u0131\u015f\u0131m, onun gidi\u015fiyle ba\u015fka bir anlama b\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fcr. Ben art\u0131k onun gidi\u015finin sonras\u0131nda kalan adam\u0131m. Adam gibi kal\u0131r\u0131m ama. Bana en yak\u0131\u015fan halimle kal\u0131r\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey kald\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi kalmaz. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey gitti\u011fi gibi gitmez.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
II
GURBET<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bir gurbet, bir \u015fehre ancak bu kadar yak\u0131\u015fabilir.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hayat\u0131m\u0131n i\u00e7inde d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fs\u00fcz bir yol gibi akan, asfalt karas\u0131 g\u00f6zlerin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Seni hangi c\u00fcmleye eklesem \/ hangi c\u00fcmleyi sana ili\u015ftirsem, sen hep o c\u00fcmlenin yerlisi oluyorsun. Benim y\u00fcre\u011fimse i\u015fgal alt\u0131nda bir vatan. Senin asfalt\u0131ndan \u00f6nce orada yemye\u015fil \u00e7ay\u0131rlar vard\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ellerim ellerinde, beyaz bir masa \u00f6rt\u00fcs\u00fcndeki leke gibi duruyordu, bundand\u0131r belki ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z. Ama leke olmadan masa \u00f6rt\u00fcs\u00fc de bir anlamla b\u00fct\u00fcnle\u015fmiyordu. Ayk\u0131r\u0131yd\u0131k, bundand\u0131 belli ki birbirimize ihtiyac\u0131m\u0131z. Benim lekem senin beyazl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ortaya koyuyordu, senin beyazl\u0131\u011f\u0131n a\u011fart\u0131yordu lekemi. Ben beyaz bir leke olamazd\u0131m sen yoksan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Biz gece ve y\u0131ld\u0131zlar gibiydik.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cY\u0131ld\u0131zlar karanl\u0131kta parlar.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018G\u00fcn do\u011funca nereye gider y\u0131ld\u0131zlar?\u2019 Yery\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn en eski sorusudur bu. \u00d6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn ikindisinde g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcne bak\u0131yor ve bu soruya verecek kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131k bulam\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Seni hangi \u015fehirde bulsam, gurbet orada ba\u015fl\u0131yor\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
III
YA\u011eMUR<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ak\u015fam\u0131n geceye d\u00f6nen y\u00fcz\u00fc… Y\u00fcz\u00fcme d\u00f6ne d\u00f6ne inen ya\u011fmur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ya\u011fmurlar ya\u011fmasayd\u0131 bu kenti sevmeyecektim belki. Ya\u011fmurlar y\u0131kamasayd\u0131 i\u00e7imi, nicedir aynalarda bulan\u0131kla\u015fan belle\u011fimi, belle\u011fimin solgun foto\u011fraflar\u0131n\u0131 bu denli berrak bulmayacakt\u0131m kar\u015f\u0131mda.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bile\u011fime \u00e7evirdi\u011fim usturay\u0131 k\u0131rmayacakt\u0131m belki.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
R\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131n s\u0131rt\u0131nda gezinen k\u00f6m\u00fcr kokular\u0131, derin bir sarho\u015fluktan artakalan geceyi kovan bir kahve gibi ay\u0131kt\u0131rmayacakt\u0131 beni.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben ki aynada her sabah annemle y\u00fcz y\u00fcze. Ne kadar da benziyorum anneme g\u00fcnden g\u00fcne…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Y\u0131llar \u00f6nce o bak\u0131r le\u011fende kendi \u00e7ocuklu\u011funu mu y\u0131kamaktayd\u0131 bilmeden? Ellerinin k\u0131na kokusu vard\u0131; ellerimde \u015fimdi t\u00fct\u00fcn kokusu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bir halk t\u00fcrk\u00fcs\u00fcd\u00fcr annem, sabahlar\u0131 kalbimi tarar. Aynalar\u0131n bu\u011fusunu g\u00f6zleriyle aralar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ve ayr\u0131 \u015fehirlerde \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fcze biriken bu ya\u011fmur, aram\u0131zda esneyen bir kap\u0131d\u0131r.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben hep gurbet \u015fehirlerinde g\u00fcn bitiminin bir t\u0131ls\u0131m\u0131 oldu\u011funa inan\u0131r\u0131m. Ak\u015fam aya s\u0131rmalar giydirerek sunar geceyi. Geceler beni hep kendi y\u00fcz\u00fcme \u00e7evirir. Orada hayat\u0131n iki ucu vard\u0131r: ya\u015famak ve \u00f6lmek. Ya\u015fam ve \u00f6l\u00fcm aras\u0131nda sarka\u00e7lanan kalbimi ak\u015fam\u0131n t\u0131ls\u0131m\u0131 \u00f6l\u00fcme diren\u00e7li k\u0131lar… Ve ak\u015fam\u0131n t\u0131ls\u0131m\u0131yla \u00f6l\u00fcme tahamm\u00fcl edebilirim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ve ben \u015fimdi, \u015fu anda, \u015fu ya\u011fmur ya\u011fmasa belki kendi ya\u011fmurumu tan\u0131mlayabilirim…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
IEYLEMS\u0130Z O \u015fimdi gider, gitmenin ona en yak\u0131\u015fan haliyle… Onun fiili gitmektir, ben kalakal\u0131r\u0131m. Ben, duru\u015flar\u0131n -son duru\u015flar\u0131n-, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131n -son bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131n- foto\u011fraf\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7eker, bir \u00f6mr\u00fcn can al\u0131c\u0131 bir ayr\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 c\u0131mb\u0131zla \u00e7eker, b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr, b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr, b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr\u00fcm. Ben \u00f6yle kalakalmalar\u0131n adam\u0131y\u0131md\u0131r; benim fiilim kalmakt\u0131r, kalakalmakt\u0131r, bakakalmakt\u0131r. Ben b\u00f6ylesine \u00e7alakalem kal\u0131r\u0131m, o \u00f6ylesine harc\u0131\u00e2lem gider. \u2026 O \u015fimdi gider… […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14002,"featured_media":161248,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_yoast_wpseo_focuskw":"M\u00fcrekkep Lekeli Defter","_yoast_wpseo_title":"","_yoast_wpseo_metadesc":"Ben hep gurbet \u015fehirlerinde g\u00fcn bitiminin bir t\u0131ls\u0131m\u0131 oldu\u011funa inan\u0131r\u0131m. Ak\u015fam aya s\u0131rmalar giydirerek sunar geceyi.","_bbp_topic_count":0,"_bbp_reply_count":0,"_bbp_total_topic_count":0,"_bbp_total_reply_count":0,"_bbp_voice_count":0,"_bbp_anonymous_reply_count":0,"_bbp_topic_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_reply_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_forum_subforum_count":0,"footnotes":"","_yoast_wpseo_focuskw_text_input":""},"categories":[9240],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n